Everything changed. I went into the doctor to check out some pregnancy symptoms that were potentially indicating problems, but I was hopeful. Hoping it would stop, which was still possible, but the ultrasound told us the answer....
There was no heartbeat. Our baby was not alive and growing. Not flipping and squirming.
A deep pain welled up within me. I kept wanting it to be untrue, but it was not. Our dreams for this baby were dying.
The process of death was not over. All that my body had worked so hard to grow had to leave. No easy task. I will spare you the details....but ultimately all deaths are messy. Life is messy.
Pain is pain. We all experience it in different ways. Pain and loss are unique experiences for each person, whether you expect it or it is out of the blue. Pain isn't controllable, avoidable or fully manageable.
I want to believe I have a handle on it....but the waves of grief come when I least expect.
Doing normal things reminds me that normal is possible, even though I still don't feel like myself. This is a part of my story that I am choosing one small choice at a time to believe that I will heal. I will heal physically, I will heal emotionally. I will dream again. Hope will not be elusive forever. I will find my stride. My new normal after this loss.
I am starting by being thankful for those who are here. All the people that brought us meals. The flowers we received. The hugs. The prayers. The phone calls and texts. Those who watched our girls. Giving me some space to just be.
Whatever stage of loss you find yourself in today, find people to let in. I want to be strong and I try not to breakdown into tears at the "wrong" moment, but to be honest I am still not there. It is still more raw than I want to admit but my God has been my deep well of hope. My personal faith has helped me to keep going. As I was recently reminded, some things are not within our ability to understand.
I don't know your pain. I don't know the why, but I do know that pain is real. Pain can paralyze. Pain can kill. Pain is universal. May we not belittle another's pain based on our own. May we embrace beyond our own understanding, even when that embrace brings us close enough to feel someone else's pain. I am writing today to say, "Friend, you are not alone."